Miz Woody's Place

As I’ve said before, disciplining a child requires a lot of self-discipline on the part of the parent. At the time, I was  talking only about trying to give your child the habits and self-discipline that lead to things like: good health, using money wisely and looking their best. You know, the American Dream of Health, Wealth and Beauty.

Sadly, you could probably quickly come up with a long list of people who have all three of these blessings, yet lead miserable lives.

It is imperative that we give our children more. They need:

Discipline to Develop Wisdom

The Free Dictionary.com says wisdom is, “ the ability to discern or judge what is true, right, or lasting; insight.”

Cicero, the great Roman philosopher said, “The function of wisdom is to discriminate between good and evil.”

And, the Bible says, “…The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge; Fools despise wisdom and instruction.” Proverbs 1:7

Notice that dictionaries, philosophers and religious writers all agree that wisdom has a moral component.

There is a school of thought that says:

“I don’t want to impose my morality on my child. I want her to be free to choose her own religion and develop her own philosophy.”

Here is my problem with that idea.

It is absurd.

It is absurd because:

1. If you care for your child at all, you have to give them values. Otherwise, their lives will be about the survival of the fittest. You may as well let them be raised by wolves.
2. Human beings are not like computers that can receive data and do nothing with it until the appropriate moment. The moment new information enters our minds we are sorting, filtering and integrating it into the framework already in place.
3. The rest of the world is very busy imposing values on your child.

It is not an imposition to give them a strong foundation on which to build their personal moral code. On the contrary, it is a great kindness.

Robot Kids?

Don’t worry that they will little automatons that believe everything they hear. Do you remember growing up? Somewhere around puberty you began to think about what you believed. You considered what you had been taught to believe. You decided which ideas you were going to accept or deny.

Your children will do the same.

Blessings on you!
Marilyn

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Lessons from the Garden

Parenting sometimes seems so complex and difficult. This won’t be one of those times.  In fact, it may help with those times when you are wondering what in the world you are supposed to do with this kid.

Standing on a garden chair, reaching way over my head to prune a branch, I suddenly thought about raising children. It’s just like gardening.

I’ve been neglecting my garden for a while. I didn’t mean to, but life got intense and I just wasn’t able to get to the garden. Now that I can get back out there, hoo boy, is there a lot of work to do!
That can happen with your children, too. Maybe you have to work extra hours to make ends meet. Or, you are preoccupied with a rocky relationship with your spouse. Or, maybe you are sick for a long time. Sometimes, through no fault of your own, your kids get neglected.

When I first went back to the garden I was truly overwhelmed. There were trees and weeds popping up everywhere.  I almost despaired of it ever being civilized again. But, a little bit at a time, I am beating back the wilderness and my garden is emerging.

The bushes and perennials were still there, but some were wildly overgrown. Others had disappeared under rampant weeds. Many of them didn’t bloom at all this year because they didn’t get enough sun.

As I was pruning back that tree branch, I realized that parenting is like gardening. You just have to keep beating back the darkness.  I have to remove trees so my flowers can grow in the light. Parents have to cut, prune and dig out the ugly, dark stuff that keeps creeping into our kids’ lives.

I planted a climbing rose beneath some trees. I thought I would train it to grow up through the slender trees. Wouldn’t it be pretty to have the roses blooming up there in the branches of the trees? (Experienced gardeners are shaking their heads right now.)

The rose’s long branches kept growing away from the trees toward the light. I even tied the branches to the trees. I thought they would be fine once they grew up through the trees to the light. Wrong.

The branches I forced into the shade just stopped growing.

I was reminded of this:

For since the creation of the world God’s invisible qualities—
his eternal power and divine nature—
have been clearly seen,
being understood from what has been made…
Romans 1:20 New International Version

So much truth – light, if you will – is right there in nature.

How does this simple gardening metaphor help?

When you are faced with the difficult, confusing parenting decisions ask yourself a couple of questions.

“Will this ____( fill in the blank: activity, friend,  class, music, clothing, etc.) take her toward light (truth, honor, faithfulness, kindness, self-control) ?”

If you cannot answer, “Yes,” you need to do some pruning.

One Last Word

If you are overwhelmed by the weeds and darkness in your child’s life, do not despair. One day at a time, or one moment at a time, you can find the strength and compassion to bring in more light. Keep on seeking the light. Keep on pruning. It may take some time, but you will eventually see your child blossoming again.

Your word is a lamp for my feet,
a light on my path.
Psalm 119:105 New International Version

Traveling with your children usually means a road trip with one to twelve kids crammed into your car.

I keep seeing vans on the highway with movies playing in the back seat on those little portable DVD players.  I’m all for movies, our family loves them. It just feels wrong to me to be wasting all that enforced togetherness!

On the other hand, it does cut down on the shrieking. Whether your kids fight or play there will be shrieking. (When I’m right, I’m right.)

When I was a kid we sang songs in the car: Yankee Doodle Dandy, You Are My Sunshine, and my Dad’s favorite:

When You Wore a Tulip

When You Wore a Tulip,

A big yellow tulip

And I wore a big red rose,

When you caressed me,

‘Twas then heaven blessed me,

What a blessing no one knows.

You made life cheery,

When you called me Dearie,

‘Twas down where the blue grass grows.

Your lips were sweeter than julep,

When you wore a tulip,

And I wore a big red rose.

Then, of course, there were games.  We played 20 Questions and What Does My Little Eye Spy?  My dad and brothers were the main competitors in the Name That Car contests.  Whoever could correctly name the make and model of the car coming toward you first got the point.  I was lousy at the game, but I’m sure it contributed to my lifelong love of ogling automobiles.

My favorite game was Finish the Story.  One person would start a story, stop at a random spot and the next person would take up the narrative.  Sister Susie was the queen of story finishing.  Her plots were unexpected and the details had us all laughing.

Is there anything more wonderful than laughing out loud with your loved ones?  Sure, you might laugh at a movie.  But there’s something much more intimate about laughing at a spontaneous joke.  It’s a way of admiring the joke teller and feeling a little proud they belong to you.

What does your family do on long car trips? Leave a comment and let us know.

Photo courtesy of Andrew Currie via Flickr

©Marilyn Woodard 2008

Haley stood before me, tears streaming from her sky-blue eyes.
“That’s all I am to her. That’s what I’m worth to her!”

Her mother had not spoken to her in two weeks. When she finally called, it was to find out what Haley knew about a shocking story: a family in their hometown had a daughter under house arrest. Mom wanted to know how that came to be.

What Haley knew had been told her in confidence.
So she replied, “I really don’t think that’s any of our business.”

Without another word, her mother hung up.

She just wanted to use Haley to add grist to the rumor mill.

What does this have to do with you and parenting your own children?

Ask yourself:

Would I rather gossip with my friends than have a relationship with my daughter?

Would I rather impress outsiders with my perfect house than share intimate moments with my children?

When they leave the nest, will my children WANT to come back to see me?

I am begging you, Parents, focus on your spouse and your children.
Take time to show interest in what they do, what they love, what they need.
If possible, do what they do. Do what they love. Do what they need.

Stop building a house.

Build your home.

Blessings on you,
Marilyn

Photo: mesec od papira @ Flickr

“Please give me praise for partial success.

Reward me for self-improvement,

not just for perfection.”

Author Unknown

My husband and I have this ongoing battle – well, it’s more of a tiff – over the sponge in the kitchen sink.  See, that’s the problem.  The sponge is in the sink.

I don’t have a problem with the sponge being in the sink.  That’s where you use it, right?  But my Darling operates at the expense of several deficits:

• his brain is hard wired for details
• he comes from a perfectionist gene pool
• his mother was a nurse
• and then he just had to take that college course in microbiology

When I see the sponge in the sink I think, “Oh good, there’s the sponge.”

When Darling see the sponge in the sink he thinks, “ Fungi! Disease!  Plague!”

So, I try to wring out the sponge and set it on the counter.  I do try.  But, you see, I am not the one with the Fear of Bacteria.  I don’t see this as a matter of life and death.  So, I really don’t actively think about the sponge on a regular basis.  Hence, Darling does tend to find it in the sink from time to time.

But here’s the thing:

He thinks he finds it in the sink all the time.  This is not true.  However, as fallible beings will, he tends to notice the sponge only when he is annoyed.  When the sponge is in the “correct” spot, he is not annoyed therefore, he does not see it.

You know, I’m a big girl with a fairly positive self-image, so I can handle Darling’s annoyance.

But, how would that be if I were six…

…and trying to please my Daddy, and he never noticed when I did what he wanted me to?

Awful.  That’s how it would be: awful.  I really need my Mom and Dad to think I’m wonderful when I’m six, or six months, or sixteen.

Mom, Dad:

Stop and think about how much better I’m doing now than I was a year ago.  Tell me you’ve noticed.  Tell me you appreciate my efforts.

Hug me and smile,

tickle me and laugh,

celebrate my successes.

Please.