Her mother had not spoken to her in two weeks. When she finally called, it was to find out what Haley knew about a shocking story: a family in their hometown had a daughter under house arrest. Mom wanted to know how that came to be.

What Haley knew had been told her in confidence.
So she replied, “I really don’t think that’s any of our business.”

Without another word, her mother hung up.

She just wanted to use Haley to add grist to the rumor mill.

What does this have to do with you and parenting your own children?

Ask yourself:

Would I rather gossip with my friends than have a relationship with my daughter?

Would I rather impress outsiders with my perfect house than share intimate moments with my children?

When they leave the nest, will my children WANT to come back to see me?

I am begging you, Parents, focus on your spouse and your children.
Take time to show interest in what they do, what they love, what they need.
If possible, do what they do. Do what they love. Do what they need.

Stop building a house.

Build your home.

Blessings on you,
Marilyn

Photo: mesec od papira @ Flickr

“Please give me praise for partial success.

Reward me for self-improvement,

not just for perfection.”

Author Unknown

My husband and I have this ongoing battle – well, it’s more of a tiff – over the sponge in the kitchen sink.  See, that’s the problem.  The sponge is in the sink.

I don’t have a problem with the sponge being in the sink.  That’s where you use it, right?  But my Darling operates at the expense of several deficits:

• his brain is hard wired for details
• he comes from a perfectionist gene pool
• his mother was a nurse
• and then he just had to take that college course in microbiology

When I see the sponge in the sink I think, “Oh good, there’s the sponge.”

When Darling see the sponge in the sink he thinks, “ Fungi! Disease!  Plague!”

So, I try to wring out the sponge and set it on the counter.  I do try.  But, you see, I am not the one with the Fear of Bacteria.  I don’t see this as a matter of life and death.  So, I really don’t actively think about the sponge on a regular basis.  Hence, Darling does tend to find it in the sink from time to time.

But here’s the thing:

He thinks he finds it in the sink all the time.  This is not true.  However, as fallible beings will, he tends to notice the sponge only when he is annoyed.  When the sponge is in the “correct” spot, he is not annoyed therefore, he does not see it.

You know, I’m a big girl with a fairly positive self-image, so I can handle Darling’s annoyance.

But, how would that be if I were six…

…and trying to please my Daddy, and he never noticed when I did what he wanted me to?

Awful.  That’s how it would be: awful.  I really need my Mom and Dad to think I’m wonderful when I’m six, or six months, or sixteen.

Mom, Dad:

Stop and think about how much better I’m doing now than I was a year ago.  Tell me you’ve noticed.  Tell me you appreciate my efforts.

Hug me and smile,

tickle me and laugh,

celebrate my successes.

Please.

When we begin the parenting adventure, we start wondering, how will I discipline my child?

Before you figure out your parenting style and start searching for effective techniques and tips, take a little time to figure out:

WHY am I doing this?
“Why,” you ask, “do I need to ask why? Isn’t it obvious?”

Trust me on this one. When you are parenting your heart out, dispensing wisdom and discipline for sheer love of your adorable child, they won’t like it.

And neither will you.

When your little angel is sobbing her heart out, or your teen son screams that he hates you, your only comfort will be the Stark Truth.

The Stark Truth is that discipline is your child’s lifeline to a rich and satisfying life.

Begin with the End
Envision the man your son will become. See in your mind the woman into which your little girl will blossom.

Doctor Girl

Woman Doctor

What they will become is in them right now in seedling form. You are the gardener. Your job is to protect, nourish, prune and support them through the growing season.

What do you want to see in your adult child? What kind of life do you want him to have?

Example: If you want your child to be a healthy adult, provide a healthy environment. Then, model healthy living: eat, drink, exercise and sleep moderately. Set and keep limits on bedtime, mealtimes and junk food.

Already you can see that parenting requires a lot of discipline…a lot of self-discipline on the part of the parent.

Read more about this.

Photos
teresa-stanton
terren in Virginia
The U.S. Army

If children live with ridicule,
they learn to be shy.

If children live with encouragement,
they learn confidence.

Do you remember this poem about parenting?

It rings true because we’ve all experienced at least a part of what the author describes.

I was about 8-9 years old. My aunt was visiting from out of town.  Mom and Aunt Judy were in the kitchen doing motherly things. I don’t remember why I had a jar of mayonnaise in my hand. I do remember that I dropped it and it smashed in a gooey-glassy mess .

My mother spat, “Just get out of the kitchen.”

Aunt Judy said, “She’s old enough to clean up her own mess.”

Mom replied disgustedly, “No she’s not.”

I slunk away, humiliated.

Fast forward 14 or 15 years: incident with mayo is completely forgotten. I’m bustling around in my own kitchen and I drop a full carton of eggs.

Gooey-crunchy mess.

I become lividly angry.

Darling Husband, wanting to spare me, comes in and offers to clean it up.

I shout, “No. I’m old enough to clean up my own mess!”

All the power of that humiliation was still there, just waiting for an incident to remind me that I was clumsy, powerless and don’t deserve to be with the grownups.

Why am I telling you this?

Two reasons:

1.  Watch your words.

Never underestimate your power to build up or tear down your child’s confidence, trust, sense of worth and desire to be around you.  All it takes are a few ill-chosen words.

“No wonder I never take you anywhere.”

“Can’t you do anything without whining?”

“What is the matter with you?”

2.  Leave your parents’ words behind.

When you do dredge up those hurtful memories, do not wallow in the pain,. Do not feel sorry for yourself or blame your parents for their mistakes. Instead, re-think the situation.  You are no longer a child, so you can see the matter in a new light.

I can look back at the mayo incident and say,

1. Mom was probably tired and stressed from having company (who knows how long that visit was?)
2. Mom id not have the benefit of hearing Dr. Dobson, Dr. Laura, Dr. Phil, etc.  All she had to go on was the parenting she received.
3. Most of all, she did not tell the truth. I was capable, I was a good kid, I was worthy.

Now, when those old feelings come up, I can say, “Nope. That wasn’t true then and it isn’t true now. I am capable, and worthy. “

I move on in confidence.

You can too.

Blessings on you!

Marilyn

I recently came across a site by the same name as a “family magazine.” There was a nice little design article about children’s rooms and bookcases. It showed four or five different kid’s rooms and the featured furniture. The lovely photos were paired with the usual sprightly comments about the accessories shown and where you could buy them. So far, so good, right?

Is it just me, or does $4,000 seem a tad high for a chair in a child’s room? Perhaps I’m too fussy, because it did look stunning next to the mid-century-look bookcase (a mere $560.) Still, I have to wonder about the bone china lamp.

Not $4,000

It kind of makes you wonder: what kind of families is this family magazine trying to reach? Tori Spelling was on the cover. Maybe that should have been a clue. I don’t know.

Do rich kids not have pillow fights or turn cartwheels in their rooms? Or, is a broken designer lamp (a) disposable and (b) something the maid cleans up?

Perhaps my favorite you-gotta-be-kidding item was a $2,000 Tulu rug. Turns out a Tulu is a natural fiber shag carpet made in India by native tribal people (whom, I’m betting aren’t getting any $2K a pop for them.)

These you can wash!

I once had a remnant of 70’s shag carpet in my kids’ room. I can tell you from experience that when your toddler and four year old both start spewing flu-related fluids, your shag carpet will definitely be a disposable item. Surely, even Tori Spelling would think twice before putting a $2,000 version in a child’s room. Don’t you think?

Or, maybe it’s just me.

© Marilyn Woodard 2009

Below is a copy of my letter to my senators and congressman concerning the Freedom of Choice Act.

Feel free to share it with your own representatives in congress and to pass it along to your friends.

Dear Senator,

Please vote against the so-called Freedom of Choice Act.

This act is blatantly anti-Life, anti-freedom, and inhumane.

I understand it contains a provision to deny parents the right to know that their child will have, or has had, an abortion.  Aside from any personal convictions about the sanctity of life, this provision assumes that the state – NOT a parent – has primary responsibility for the care of minor children.

Further, I understand that it denies doctors the right to refuse to perform abortions.  Since when does the Constitution of the United States allow the government to deny human beings the freedom to follow their own conscience?

If you plan to vote for this, you need to publicly explain why you think the above abrogations of God-given rights are good for the people of Indiana.

Denying God-given rights is the business of fascists, not the Congress of the United States.

Sincerely,

Marilyn Woodard

Barack Obama Promises to Sign FOCA

It takes away your right to know that your minor daughter has chosen to get an abortion. How can you be free to parent your daughter if the federal government takes away your right to know?

President Obama has sworn to sign this bill as soon as it gets to his desk.

This is about:

• your freedom
• your family
• your rights
• your child’s health
• life and death

Do as you see fit.

http://www.fightfoca.com

Ephesians 2:10 For we are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.

That part, “Prepared in advance”, says in the King James, “God hath before ordained“. It’s not like he baked a cake and hopes you’ll eat it. He’s laid some serious groundwork for you.
I think God made you to do something very special. If you are seeking his plan, there is no way he’s gonna’ let you miss it.

Ah, but how to find it?

Your first clue is the gifts, passions and interests God put in you. You love what you love for a reason. It doesn’t have to be something “approved” by the church, or your family, or the educational system. Every interest can – should – must! – be given to God. He uses the craziest things! For instance, you have an interest in fashion. That doesn’t sound very holy. For sure, many people use it for unholy ends. But that is true of carpentry, writing, medicine and the law. Every gift can be used to honor God and bless people, or to increase darkness, pain and misery.

You don’t have to figure out the whole puzzle, just be the piece you were meant to be.

The other thing I know is that “A man plans his way, but the LORD determines his steps.” (That’s in Proverbs – I don’t know where and I’m way too busy to look it up!) Part of what that means is that God has your future, so don’t sweat it. I think another part is that we can only take life one step at a time. I really hate that! I’d love to know that the step I’m taking is the right one and it will lead to a lovely time for all. God’s plan is, “The just shall live by faith.” (That’s in the Bible, like, 4 times!)

As for the whole “Significant Other” thing…there again, one step at a time. You never know what (or whom) is around the corner – and there are corners everywhere!

My plan was to go through college and not get married until I was at least 24. Then there was this 3-week window where I could meet my Darling Husband. I was 17! Poof! There went my plan.

Blessings on you, Friend. You don’t have to know what to do. You know the One who knows.

I first learned this concept from my sister. I didn’t have any children at the time, so you know it was unusual for me to notice. Her kids (7 and 2 years old) were playing and she told them they had five more minutes to play and then they would need to eat lunch. It struck me because (a) I’d never seen anyone do that before, and (b) it seemed so reasonable, fair and…polite.

I mean, I remember being a kid – well, parts of it…little parts of it. But I DO remember playing the piano and being asked to stop and set the table. Now.

I was not the rebellious type kid (I suspect that was why Mom usually tapped me for the table setting job) but, I did occasionally experience selective deafness. Asking me to stop in the middle of a piece…honestly, would it kill her to let me finish “Wedding in Birdland”? It’s not like I was in the middle of the “Warsaw Concerto”!

Yeah, kids need time to adjust from one activity to another and the younger they are, or the more intense they are, the more time they need. Plus, as I said, it’s polite. And kids learn their behavior from…
…you guessed it…
You.

Blessings on you