Miz Woody's Place

Haley stood before me, tears streaming from her sky-blue eyes.
“That’s all I am to her. That’s what I’m worth to her!”

Her mother had not spoken to her in two weeks. When she finally called, it was to find out what Haley knew about a shocking story: a family in their hometown had a daughter under house arrest. Mom wanted to know how that came to be.

What Haley knew had been told her in confidence.
So she replied, “I really don’t think that’s any of our business.”

Without another word, her mother hung up.

She just wanted to use Haley to add grist to the rumor mill.

What does this have to do with you and parenting your own children?

Ask yourself:

Would I rather gossip with my friends than have a relationship with my daughter?

Would I rather impress outsiders with my perfect house than share intimate moments with my children?

When they leave the nest, will my children WANT to come back to see me?

I am begging you, Parents, focus on your spouse and your children.
Take time to show interest in what they do, what they love, what they need.
If possible, do what they do. Do what they love. Do what they need.

Stop building a house.

Build your home.

Blessings on you,
Marilyn

Photo: mesec od papira @ Flickr

“Please give me praise for partial success.

Reward me for self-improvement,

not just for perfection.”

Author Unknown

My husband and I have this ongoing battle – well, it’s more of a tiff – over the sponge in the kitchen sink.  See, that’s the problem.  The sponge is in the sink.

I don’t have a problem with the sponge being in the sink.  That’s where you use it, right?  But my Darling operates at the expense of several deficits:

• his brain is hard wired for details
• he comes from a perfectionist gene pool
• his mother was a nurse
• and then he just had to take that college course in microbiology

When I see the sponge in the sink I think, “Oh good, there’s the sponge.”

When Darling see the sponge in the sink he thinks, “ Fungi! Disease!  Plague!”

So, I try to wring out the sponge and set it on the counter.  I do try.  But, you see, I am not the one with the Fear of Bacteria.  I don’t see this as a matter of life and death.  So, I really don’t actively think about the sponge on a regular basis.  Hence, Darling does tend to find it in the sink from time to time.

But here’s the thing:

He thinks he finds it in the sink all the time.  This is not true.  However, as fallible beings will, he tends to notice the sponge only when he is annoyed.  When the sponge is in the “correct” spot, he is not annoyed therefore, he does not see it.

You know, I’m a big girl with a fairly positive self-image, so I can handle Darling’s annoyance.

But, how would that be if I were six…

…and trying to please my Daddy, and he never noticed when I did what he wanted me to?

Awful.  That’s how it would be: awful.  I really need my Mom and Dad to think I’m wonderful when I’m six, or six months, or sixteen.

Mom, Dad:

Stop and think about how much better I’m doing now than I was a year ago.  Tell me you’ve noticed.  Tell me you appreciate my efforts.

Hug me and smile,

tickle me and laugh,

celebrate my successes.

Please.

If children live with ridicule,
they learn to be shy.

If children live with encouragement,
they learn confidence.

Do you remember this poem about parenting?

It rings true because we’ve all experienced at least a part of what the author describes.

I was about 8-9 years old. My aunt was visiting from out of town.  Mom and Aunt Judy were in the kitchen doing motherly things. I don’t remember why I had a jar of mayonnaise in my hand. I do remember that I dropped it and it smashed in a gooey-glassy mess .

My mother spat, “Just get out of the kitchen.”

Aunt Judy said, “She’s old enough to clean up her own mess.”

Mom replied disgustedly, “No she’s not.”

I slunk away, humiliated.

Fast forward 14 or 15 years: incident with mayo is completely forgotten. I’m bustling around in my own kitchen and I drop a full carton of eggs.

Gooey-crunchy mess.

I become lividly angry.

Darling Husband, wanting to spare me, comes in and offers to clean it up.

I shout, “No. I’m old enough to clean up my own mess!”

All the power of that humiliation was still there, just waiting for an incident to remind me that I was clumsy, powerless and don’t deserve to be with the grownups.

Why am I telling you this?

Two reasons:

1.  Watch your words.

Never underestimate your power to build up or tear down your child’s confidence, trust, sense of worth and desire to be around you.  All it takes are a few ill-chosen words.

“No wonder I never take you anywhere.”

“Can’t you do anything without whining?”

“What is the matter with you?”

2.  Leave your parents’ words behind.

When you do dredge up those hurtful memories, do not wallow in the pain,. Do not feel sorry for yourself or blame your parents for their mistakes. Instead, re-think the situation.  You are no longer a child, so you can see the matter in a new light.

I can look back at the mayo incident and say,

1. Mom was probably tired and stressed from having company (who knows how long that visit was?)
2. Mom id not have the benefit of hearing Dr. Dobson, Dr. Laura, Dr. Phil, etc.  All she had to go on was the parenting she received.
3. Most of all, she did not tell the truth. I was capable, I was a good kid, I was worthy.

Now, when those old feelings come up, I can say, “Nope. That wasn’t true then and it isn’t true now. I am capable, and worthy. “

I move on in confidence.

You can too.

Blessings on you!

Marilyn

I simply love looking at interior design sites and magazines. To be strictly honest, it goes much deeper than that: I’m actually addicted…badly addicted. But enough about me.

I recently came across a site by the same name as a “family magazine.” There was a nice little design article about children’s rooms and bookcases. It showed four or five different kid’s rooms and the featured furniture. The lovely photos were paired with the usual sprightly comments about the accessories shown and where you could buy them. So far, so good, right?

Is it just me, or does $4,000 seem a tad high for a chair in a child’s room? Perhaps I’m too fussy, because it did look stunning next to the mid-century-look bookcase (a mere $560.) Still, I have to wonder about the bone china lamp.

Not $4,000

It kind of makes you wonder: what kind of families is this family magazine trying to reach? Tori Spelling was on the cover. Maybe that should have been a clue. I don’t know.

Do rich kids not have pillow fights or turn cartwheels in their rooms? Or, is a broken designer lamp (a) disposable and (b) something the maid cleans up?

Perhaps my favorite you-gotta-be-kidding item was a $2,000 Tulu rug. Turns out a Tulu is a natural fiber shag carpet made in India by native tribal people (whom, I’m betting aren’t getting any $2K a pop for them.)

These you can wash!

I once had a remnant of 70’s shag carpet in my kids’ room. I can tell you from experience that when your toddler and four year old both start spewing flu-related fluids, your shag carpet will definitely be a disposable item. Surely, even Tori Spelling would think twice before putting a $2,000 version in a child’s room. Don’t you think?

Or, maybe it’s just me.

© Marilyn Woodard 2009

The United States faces a shortage of doctors in rural areas. FOCA is about to Make it worse. This legislation threatens pro-Life doctors with jail if they refuse to perform an abortion.

Below is a copy of my letter to my senators and congressman concerning the Freedom of Choice Act.

Feel free to share it with your own representatives in congress and to pass it along to your friends.

Dear Senator,

Please vote against the so-called Freedom of Choice Act.

This act is blatantly anti-Life, anti-freedom, and inhumane.

I understand it contains a provision to deny parents the right to know that their child will have, or has had, an abortion.  Aside from any personal convictions about the sanctity of life, this provision assumes that the state – NOT a parent – has primary responsibility for the care of minor children.

Further, I understand that it denies doctors the right to refuse to perform abortions.  Since when does the Constitution of the United States allow the government to deny human beings the freedom to follow their own conscience?

If you plan to vote for this, you need to publicly explain why you think the above abrogations of God-given rights are good for the people of Indiana.

Denying God-given rights is the business of fascists, not the Congress of the United States.

Sincerely,

Marilyn Woodard

Barack Obama Promises to Sign FOCA

The Freedom of Choice Act is not about freedom.

It takes away your right to know that your minor daughter has chosen to get an abortion. How can you be free to parent your daughter if the federal government takes away your right to know?

President Obama has sworn to sign this bill as soon as it gets to his desk.

This is about:

• your freedom
• your family
• your rights
• your child’s health
• life and death

Do as you see fit.

http://www.fightfoca.com

I found some really beautiful vintage Christmas pictures.  They were created back in the early days of the 20th century – probably when your great-grandmother was a child.

A most unusual artist created these. Her name was Jesse Willcox Smith. Today no one would think it odd, but in her day a single woman making her living as an illustrator was pretty radical. She was much sought after as an illustrator of magazines and children’s books.

I’m so glad these pictures – from a book of “Twas the Night Before Christmas” – have survived.

I have shown them on my site, Creating Great Homes, AND have created a downloadable PDF that you can access through the CGH Store (listed on the left  under Resources.) The actual size of the images is much larger in the PDF.

Downloads are free for site members.  You can get a one-month trial subscription for $1, OR, right now I’m running a Holiday special that is a really crazy subscription price.

Or, you can just go to the store and buy the download.  In any case, I hope you enjoy seeing these charming works by a pioneering American female artist. Blessings on you!

Marilyn

There’s a story news story out today saying there is a big rise in the suicide rate among middle-aged white women. No one knows why this is so.

One of the things I think I know is that people do desperate things – like end a marriage, or end a life – when they have lost hope. They’ve tried everything they can think of to make it better, so they figure there are no options left to them.
When they think, “This will never get better,” they look for a way out.

One thing I’m pretty darn sure I know is: There Are Always Options!

Just because you can’t see them at the moment, doesn’t mean they don’t exist. If you are desperate, or nearly so, please wait.

Wait for a change. Change is the only constant. This terrible time will pass.

Wait for an answer. Of course, to get an answer you have to (1) ask a question and (2) listen. I recommend you ask God your burning question and expect Him to answer. One of the things I know I know is that He cares for you.* Another one is that He is found by those who look for Him. **

Wait for a friend, someone who will hang in there with you. This may take a while. It may not be the person you think it is. It may not be the person you want it to be. Again, ask God to give you one, then wait and keep your eyes open.

If you don’t believe any of this, please talk to someone who will listen to you. If you don’t have a friend, call a counselor. If you can’t afford a counselor, call a Pastor. If you don’t trust pastors, call a suicide hotline. They will believe you, and they will help you find someone you can talk to.

I had a little health scare last week and, since I have more imagination than I need, I ran through a few scenarios, all of which ended in sudden death. It’s interesting that my scenarios never include more realistic things like illness and hospital bills – nothing but catastrophic death is dramatic enough for my imagination!

So, as I’m thinking about dying I have a very peaceful feeling. I’m convinced that Jesus’ death on the cross was enough to get me into heaven and frankly – in a purely self-centered way – I’m looking forward to it.

But, this morning, as I was thinking about the things I am doing, and plan on doing in the near future, for my husband and kids I realized; I don’t wanna’ go! It’s not that they can’t get along without me; they could. It’s that I really believe what I do for them makes a difference in their lives.

What do I do? I try to keep them fed (no small task for two college students.) Since their time at home is so limited, I help out with their laundry and errands. I am the communications hub and social secretary. I nag them to make their doctor appointments. And I listen. I rub their backs and say “Mm-hmm” while they discuss the latest frustration, joy or newsy tidbits. I smile when they come in the room.

Suddenly, I feel so important!

It’s kind of nice.

I hope you are feeling important today.

Blessings on you!
Marilyn

I caught a TV news segment on Robin Bowman’s new book, It’s Complicated. Bowman, a photojournalist, spent four years photographing teenagers across America and learning their stories. As the title suggests, the teen years are not necessarily a bed of roses.

Most of the segment was spent discussing Bowman’s reasons for writing the book. These included her own not-so-great teen years and her sense that teenagers today have a tougher time than she did. Appropriately, all of the photos shown on air were black and white with not a smile to be seen. So, this was not a hugely uplifting bit of television.

At the end of the segment, they turned to a “teen expert”, a psychologist (whose name I have forgotten – I did try to find it, sorry Dr. Teen Expert!) This man brought sanity and real hope in about 15 seconds. (Man, I wish I knew his name!) Guess what he said?

Teens need parents to care for them! They need parents who make the effort to eat meals with their kids, who take time to connect and find out who their friends are, what’s on their minds, how they are feeling, what they need.

Well, thank God for Dr. Teen Expert. He didn’t let all his education get in the way of common sense. So often I hear “experts” on TV telling us teens need more education, more government programs, more sex, less sex, more therapy, healthier food in the school cafeteria, and the list goes on. This guy had the guts to say, “Mom and Dad, you gotta’ take care of your kids!”

I’m not saying raising teens is easy, or that having dinner together will keep your kids out of trouble and improve their grades. Of course, it’s more complicated than that. But here’s what I know. Every human being needs a place where they are accepted for who they are, where people listen to them with empathy, where they are told – over and over again, in words and deeds – you matter to me. If they don’t get that at home, they will look for it elsewhere. Sadly, if they don’t get it at home they may – and often do – settle for something far less…which is when it get’s really complicated.

Blessings on you, Dr. Teen Expert!
Marilyn