Miz Woody's Place

http://bit.ly/instantvantage

Lessons from the Garden

Parenting sometimes seems so complex and difficult. This won’t be one of those times.  In fact, it may help with those times when you are wondering what in the world you are supposed to do with this kid.

Standing on a garden chair, reaching way over my head to prune a branch, I suddenly thought about raising children. It’s just like gardening.

I’ve been neglecting my garden for a while. I didn’t mean to, but life got intense and I just wasn’t able to get to the garden. Now that I can get back out there, hoo boy, is there a lot of work to do!
That can happen with your children, too. Maybe you have to work extra hours to make ends meet. Or, you are preoccupied with a rocky relationship with your spouse. Or, maybe you are sick for a long time. Sometimes, through no fault of your own, your kids get neglected.

When I first went back to the garden I was truly overwhelmed. There were trees and weeds popping up everywhere.  I almost despaired of it ever being civilized again. But, a little bit at a time, I am beating back the wilderness and my garden is emerging.

The bushes and perennials were still there, but some were wildly overgrown. Others had disappeared under rampant weeds. Many of them didn’t bloom at all this year because they didn’t get enough sun.

As I was pruning back that tree branch, I realized that parenting is like gardening. You just have to keep beating back the darkness.  I have to remove trees so my flowers can grow in the light. Parents have to cut, prune and dig out the ugly, dark stuff that keeps creeping into our kids’ lives.

I planted a climbing rose beneath some trees. I thought I would train it to grow up through the slender trees. Wouldn’t it be pretty to have the roses blooming up there in the branches of the trees? (Experienced gardeners are shaking their heads right now.)

The rose’s long branches kept growing away from the trees toward the light. I even tied the branches to the trees. I thought they would be fine once they grew up through the trees to the light. Wrong.

The branches I forced into the shade just stopped growing.

I was reminded of this:

For since the creation of the world God’s invisible qualities—
his eternal power and divine nature—
have been clearly seen,
being understood from what has been made…
Romans 1:20 New International Version

So much truth – light, if you will – is right there in nature.

How does this simple gardening metaphor help?

When you are faced with the difficult, confusing parenting decisions ask yourself a couple of questions.

“Will this ____( fill in the blank: activity, friend,  class, music, clothing, etc.) take her toward light (truth, honor, faithfulness, kindness, self-control) ?”

If you cannot answer, “Yes,” you need to do some pruning.

One Last Word

If you are overwhelmed by the weeds and darkness in your child’s life, do not despair. One day at a time, or one moment at a time, you can find the strength and compassion to bring in more light. Keep on seeking the light. Keep on pruning. It may take some time, but you will eventually see your child blossoming again.

Your word is a lamp for my feet,
a light on my path.
Psalm 119:105 New International Version

Traveling with your children usually means a road trip with one to twelve kids crammed into your car.

I keep seeing vans on the highway with movies playing in the back seat on those little portable DVD players.  I’m all for movies, our family loves them. It just feels wrong to me to be wasting all that enforced togetherness!

On the other hand, it does cut down on the shrieking. Whether your kids fight or play there will be shrieking. (When I’m right, I’m right.)

When I was a kid we sang songs in the car: Yankee Doodle Dandy, You Are My Sunshine, and my Dad’s favorite:

When You Wore a Tulip

When You Wore a Tulip,

A big yellow tulip

And I wore a big red rose,

When you caressed me,

‘Twas then heaven blessed me,

What a blessing no one knows.

You made life cheery,

When you called me Dearie,

‘Twas down where the blue grass grows.

Your lips were sweeter than julep,

When you wore a tulip,

And I wore a big red rose.

Then, of course, there were games.  We played 20 Questions and What Does My Little Eye Spy?  My dad and brothers were the main competitors in the Name That Car contests.  Whoever could correctly name the make and model of the car coming toward you first got the point.  I was lousy at the game, but I’m sure it contributed to my lifelong love of ogling automobiles.

My favorite game was Finish the Story.  One person would start a story, stop at a random spot and the next person would take up the narrative.  Sister Susie was the queen of story finishing.  Her plots were unexpected and the details had us all laughing.

Is there anything more wonderful than laughing out loud with your loved ones?  Sure, you might laugh at a movie.  But there’s something much more intimate about laughing at a spontaneous joke.  It’s a way of admiring the joke teller and feeling a little proud they belong to you.

What does your family do on long car trips? Leave a comment and let us know.

Photo courtesy of Andrew Currie via Flickr

©Marilyn Woodard 2008

If children live with ridicule,
they learn to be shy.

If children live with encouragement,
they learn confidence.

Do you remember this poem about parenting?

It rings true because we’ve all experienced at least a part of what the author describes.

I was about 8-9 years old. My aunt was visiting from out of town.  Mom and Aunt Judy were in the kitchen doing motherly things. I don’t remember why I had a jar of mayonnaise in my hand. I do remember that I dropped it and it smashed in a gooey-glassy mess .

My mother spat, “Just get out of the kitchen.”

Aunt Judy said, “She’s old enough to clean up her own mess.”

Mom replied disgustedly, “No she’s not.”

I slunk away, humiliated.

Fast forward 14 or 15 years: incident with mayo is completely forgotten. I’m bustling around in my own kitchen and I drop a full carton of eggs.

Gooey-crunchy mess.

I become lividly angry.

Darling Husband, wanting to spare me, comes in and offers to clean it up.

I shout, “No. I’m old enough to clean up my own mess!”

All the power of that humiliation was still there, just waiting for an incident to remind me that I was clumsy, powerless and don’t deserve to be with the grownups.

Why am I telling you this?

Two reasons:

1.  Watch your words.

Never underestimate your power to build up or tear down your child’s confidence, trust, sense of worth and desire to be around you.  All it takes are a few ill-chosen words.

“No wonder I never take you anywhere.”

“Can’t you do anything without whining?”

“What is the matter with you?”

2.  Leave your parents’ words behind.

When you do dredge up those hurtful memories, do not wallow in the pain,. Do not feel sorry for yourself or blame your parents for their mistakes. Instead, re-think the situation.  You are no longer a child, so you can see the matter in a new light.

I can look back at the mayo incident and say,

1. Mom was probably tired and stressed from having company (who knows how long that visit was?)
2. Mom did not have the benefit of hearing Dr. Dobson, Dr. Laura, Dr. Phil, etc.  All she had to go on was the parenting she received.
3. Most of all, she did not tell the truth. I was capable, I was a good kid, I was worthy.

Now, when those old feelings come up, I can say, “Nope. That wasn’t true then and it isn’t true now. I am capable, and worthy. “

I move on in confidence.

You can too.

Blessings on you!

Marilyn

I simply love looking at interior design sites and magazines. To be strictly honest, it goes much deeper than that: I’m actually addicted…badly addicted. But enough about me.

I recently came across a site by the same name as a “family magazine.” There was a nice little design article about children’s rooms and bookcases. It showed four or five different kid’s rooms and the featured furniture. The lovely photos were paired with the usual sprightly comments about the accessories shown and where you could buy them. So far, so good, right?

Is it just me, or does $4,000 seem a tad high for a chair in a child’s room? Perhaps I’m too fussy, because it did look stunning next to the mid-century-look bookcase (a mere $560.) Still, I have to wonder about the bone china lamp.

Not $4,000

It kind of makes you wonder: what kind of families is this family magazine trying to reach? Tori Spelling was on the cover. Maybe that should have been a clue. I don’t know.

Do rich kids not have pillow fights or turn cartwheels in their rooms? Or, is a broken designer lamp (a) disposable and (b) something the maid cleans up?

Perhaps my favorite you-gotta-be-kidding item was a $2,000 Tulu rug. Turns out a Tulu is a natural fiber shag carpet made in India by native tribal people (whom, I’m betting aren’t getting any $2K a pop for them.)

These you can wash!

I once had a remnant of 70’s shag carpet in my kids’ room. I can tell you from experience that when your toddler and four year old both start spewing flu-related fluids, your shag carpet will definitely be a disposable item. Surely, even Tori Spelling would think twice before putting a $2,000 version in a child’s room. Don’t you think?

Or, maybe it’s just me.

© Marilyn Woodard 2009

The United States faces a shortage of doctors in rural areas. FOCA is about to Make it worse. This legislation threatens pro-Life doctors with jail if they refuse to perform an abortion.

Below is a copy of my letter to my senators and congressman concerning the Freedom of Choice Act.

Feel free to share it with your own representatives in congress and to pass it along to your friends.

Dear Senator,

Please vote against the so-called Freedom of Choice Act.

This act is blatantly anti-Life, anti-freedom, and inhumane.

I understand it contains a provision to deny parents the right to know that their child will have, or has had, an abortion.  Aside from any personal convictions about the sanctity of life, this provision assumes that the state – NOT a parent – has primary responsibility for the care of minor children.

Further, I understand that it denies doctors the right to refuse to perform abortions.  Since when does the Constitution of the United States allow the government to deny human beings the freedom to follow their own conscience?

If you plan to vote for this, you need to publicly explain why you think the above abrogations of God-given rights are good for the people of Indiana.

Denying God-given rights is the business of fascists, not the Congress of the United States.

Sincerely,

Marilyn Woodard

Barack Obama Promises to Sign FOCA