Miz Woody's Place

This may be the best parenting tip ever.

It applies to all the parenting biggies: discipline, nurturing, guidance, even schooling. Of course, since it’s such a great parenting strategy, it’s not easy. But, it’s not complicated and it will help your child to be smart!

The path of parenting is covered with icy patches: places where parents  can easily slide off course, dragging the children with them. One of the worst patches – really, it’s practically a frozen lake – is the “School Smarts Skidway.” There is a lot of pressure on parents to have smart kids. And, even if parents don’t shame or harass their kids, the child gets the message. No child wants to be the class dummy, or the last one in the homeschool co-op to start algebra.

If your child struggles in any or all subjects, I believe it is your duty to give them the help they need in order to learn. Many very bright children cannot learn by listening and watching alone. And no classroom teacher has the time to help every child. So it’s up to us parents to help our children learn. But this article isn’t about that; or at least not directly.  I just want you to wrap your mind around a very important parenting concept. Here it is.

Your child is a genius at something!

Before you tell me the kid is ten years old and can’t read, or can’t tell an adjective from an hypotenuse, hear me out.

Those who become great are rarely well rounded. They do not focus on every subject. Instead, they devote huge amounts of time, energy and passion to the one thing they love. Stephen Spielberg’s high school grades were average at best. But, he taught himself to make movies, beginning with his family’s home movie camera. Thomas Edison’s mother was told her son would never learn to read. But he built a business empire based on his thirst for scientific knowledge. It was perhaps the brightest mind of the Renaissance who said,

“As every divided kingdom falls, so every mind divided between many studies confounds and saps itself.”

~ Leonardo da Vinci

What does your child love to do? What would he spend all his time working on if left to himself? What do you see her doing well, though she’s never had lessons? Do they:

• follow bugs around and examine them?
• constantly change clothes and come up with new outfits?
• live and breathe soccer?
• pore over comic books?
• play video games? What kind: strategy games, fantasy story games or building/organizing games?

These are all clues to their abilities and passions.

What do other people tell you about your child?

• Is he a good listener?
• Is she kind?
• Does he make everyone laugh?
• Is he the one the teacher can count on to run errands?
• Does she stand up for the underdog?

All of these are clues to your child’s inner genius. This is how you know where to pour on the encouragement, give lessons and arrange meetings (playdates) with like-minded people.

If you are still wondering where your child’s genius lies, ask your friends and family. I’ll tell a story on myself just to prove that even dense parents can be helped. I knew my daughter was musically inclined. I wanted to give her music lessons but was dithering over whether she should take piano or voice lessons. Giving her both was not a financial option at that point. I mentioned my dilemma in conversation and my friend said, “Are you kidding? With her voice? I’d be all over that in a New York minute!” My friend was so obviously right that I found a voice teacher that day. And my daughter proved her right by loving the lessons and making real progress.

Help your child discover their gifts and passions. Then help them to develop and nurture them. And remind them that it’s okay to struggle with algebra when you are a genius storyteller!

Blessings on you.

Picture Credits:

arcx1972
melalouise

http://bit.ly/instantvantage

Lessons from the Garden

Parenting sometimes seems so complex and difficult. This won’t be one of those times.  In fact, it may help with those times when you are wondering what in the world you are supposed to do with this kid.

Standing on a garden chair, reaching way over my head to prune a branch, I suddenly thought about raising children. It’s just like gardening.

I’ve been neglecting my garden for a while. I didn’t mean to, but life got intense and I just wasn’t able to get to the garden. Now that I can get back out there, hoo boy, is there a lot of work to do!
That can happen with your children, too. Maybe you have to work extra hours to make ends meet. Or, you are preoccupied with a rocky relationship with your spouse. Or, maybe you are sick for a long time. Sometimes, through no fault of your own, your kids get neglected.

When I first went back to the garden I was truly overwhelmed. There were trees and weeds popping up everywhere.  I almost despaired of it ever being civilized again. But, a little bit at a time, I am beating back the wilderness and my garden is emerging.

The bushes and perennials were still there, but some were wildly overgrown. Others had disappeared under rampant weeds. Many of them didn’t bloom at all this year because they didn’t get enough sun.

As I was pruning back that tree branch, I realized that parenting is like gardening. You just have to keep beating back the darkness.  I have to remove trees so my flowers can grow in the light. Parents have to cut, prune and dig out the ugly, dark stuff that keeps creeping into our kids’ lives.

I planted a climbing rose beneath some trees. I thought I would train it to grow up through the slender trees. Wouldn’t it be pretty to have the roses blooming up there in the branches of the trees? (Experienced gardeners are shaking their heads right now.)

The rose’s long branches kept growing away from the trees toward the light. I even tied the branches to the trees. I thought they would be fine once they grew up through the trees to the light. Wrong.

The branches I forced into the shade just stopped growing.

I was reminded of this:

For since the creation of the world God’s invisible qualities—
his eternal power and divine nature—
have been clearly seen,
being understood from what has been made…
Romans 1:20 New International Version

So much truth – light, if you will – is right there in nature.

How does this simple gardening metaphor help?

When you are faced with the difficult, confusing parenting decisions ask yourself a couple of questions.

“Will this ____( fill in the blank: activity, friend,  class, music, clothing, etc.) take her toward light (truth, honor, faithfulness, kindness, self-control) ?”

If you cannot answer, “Yes,” you need to do some pruning.

One Last Word

If you are overwhelmed by the weeds and darkness in your child’s life, do not despair. One day at a time, or one moment at a time, you can find the strength and compassion to bring in more light. Keep on seeking the light. Keep on pruning. It may take some time, but you will eventually see your child blossoming again.

Your word is a lamp for my feet,
a light on my path.
Psalm 119:105 New International Version

If children live with ridicule,
they learn to be shy.

If children live with encouragement,
they learn confidence.

Do you remember this poem about parenting?

It rings true because we’ve all experienced at least a part of what the author describes.

I was about 8-9 years old. My aunt was visiting from out of town.  Mom and Aunt Judy were in the kitchen doing motherly things. I don’t remember why I had a jar of mayonnaise in my hand. I do remember that I dropped it and it smashed in a gooey-glassy mess .

My mother spat, “Just get out of the kitchen.”

Aunt Judy said, “She’s old enough to clean up her own mess.”

Mom replied disgustedly, “No she’s not.”

I slunk away, humiliated.

Fast forward 14 or 15 years: incident with mayo is completely forgotten. I’m bustling around in my own kitchen and I drop a full carton of eggs.

Gooey-crunchy mess.

I become lividly angry.

Darling Husband, wanting to spare me, comes in and offers to clean it up.

I shout, “No. I’m old enough to clean up my own mess!”

All the power of that humiliation was still there, just waiting for an incident to remind me that I was clumsy, powerless and don’t deserve to be with the grownups.

Why am I telling you this?

Two reasons:

1.  Watch your words.

Never underestimate your power to build up or tear down your child’s confidence, trust, sense of worth and desire to be around you.  All it takes are a few ill-chosen words.

“No wonder I never take you anywhere.”

“Can’t you do anything without whining?”

“What is the matter with you?”

2.  Leave your parents’ words behind.

When you do dredge up those hurtful memories, do not wallow in the pain,. Do not feel sorry for yourself or blame your parents for their mistakes. Instead, re-think the situation.  You are no longer a child, so you can see the matter in a new light.

I can look back at the mayo incident and say,

1. Mom was probably tired and stressed from having company (who knows how long that visit was?)
2. Mom did not have the benefit of hearing Dr. Dobson, Dr. Laura, Dr. Phil, etc.  All she had to go on was the parenting she received.
3. Most of all, she did not tell the truth. I was capable, I was a good kid, I was worthy.

Now, when those old feelings come up, I can say, “Nope. That wasn’t true then and it isn’t true now. I am capable, and worthy. “

I move on in confidence.

You can too.

Blessings on you!

Marilyn

I simply love looking at interior design sites and magazines. To be strictly honest, it goes much deeper than that: I’m actually addicted…badly addicted. But enough about me.

I recently came across a site by the same name as a “family magazine.” There was a nice little design article about children’s rooms and bookcases. It showed four or five different kid’s rooms and the featured furniture. The lovely photos were paired with the usual sprightly comments about the accessories shown and where you could buy them. So far, so good, right?

Is it just me, or does $4,000 seem a tad high for a chair in a child’s room? Perhaps I’m too fussy, because it did look stunning next to the mid-century-look bookcase (a mere $560.) Still, I have to wonder about the bone china lamp.

Not $4,000

It kind of makes you wonder: what kind of families is this family magazine trying to reach? Tori Spelling was on the cover. Maybe that should have been a clue. I don’t know.

Do rich kids not have pillow fights or turn cartwheels in their rooms? Or, is a broken designer lamp (a) disposable and (b) something the maid cleans up?

Perhaps my favorite you-gotta-be-kidding item was a $2,000 Tulu rug. Turns out a Tulu is a natural fiber shag carpet made in India by native tribal people (whom, I’m betting aren’t getting any $2K a pop for them.)

These you can wash!

I once had a remnant of 70’s shag carpet in my kids’ room. I can tell you from experience that when your toddler and four year old both start spewing flu-related fluids, your shag carpet will definitely be a disposable item. Surely, even Tori Spelling would think twice before putting a $2,000 version in a child’s room. Don’t you think?

Or, maybe it’s just me.

© Marilyn Woodard 2009